Ed and the Beanstalk
by Evil Twins INC
Summary: Ed and friends featured in the famous fairytale Jack and the Beanstalk... we all know this could get messy. Oneshot.


(Risa-Chan) Risa-Chan likes FMA, so do you. Risa-Chan dont own FMA, you no sue

Yay for Risa's second fanfic!

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Narrator: This is a story, about a boy, and some beans...

Ed: When you say bean, I hope your not reffering to me.

Narrotor: No... when I refer to BEANS im refering to actual BEANS Edward... wait... Edward! Your supposed to be on set! Get moving!

Ed: Don't tell me what to do! I was goin' there anyway...

Narrator: Im the narrator, its my JOB to tell you what to do, NOW GET MOVING.

Ed: Wow... getting paid for bossing people around must be nice... I wonder if Mustang gets any extra money for that...

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Narrator: And now, our story begins...

Al: A long long time ago! In a galaxy far far away?

Narrotor: Ye- I mean NO+Sigh+ Will you just LET me do my job?

Al+Sob+ I'm sorry... I was just trying to help...

Narrator: Now than... as I was SAYING... our story begins at a small house, out in a field somewhere...

Al: WHAT field? Out WHERE?

Narrator: I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T CARE, NOW SOME ONE FIND THIS TIN CAN A PART IN THE PLAY SO I CAN DO MY JOB.

Al+SOB+ Nii-san! The mean voice is comparing me to metal objects again+SOB+

Narrator: NOW THAN... out in a field, somewhere... with a boy named Jack, his mother, and their cow...

The curtain is drawen, revealing the characters+

Ed: I'm... i'm... +Pulls up his sleeve and looks at the notes on his wrist+ Oh yeah! I'm Jack+He bows+

Winry+Bows+ I'm Jack's mother!

Theres a grumble from the audience, and Winry glares out+

Winry: Does anyone have a PROBLEM with that?

Lust: Well, Sloth's over there giving you the evil eye...

Winry: Well she can just...

Al: Wah! Nii-san! Why am I the cow!

Ed: Well... you didn't want to be a metal object... you were orignally the watering can, so consider yourself lucky.

Narrator: Now that everyones introduced... lets move on, shall we?

Ed: Hey, I thought you told people what to do... not ask them.

Narrator: I do! I wasn't asking, I was telling. NOW GO MILK THE DAMN COW.

Ed glances over at a sobbing Al+

Ed: That was a joke... right?

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Winry: Now Jack, that cow is old and useless, and we need food! Go sell it at the marketplace for something useful.

Al: W-Winry... I-I didn't know thats how you thought of me...

Winry: I DON'T Al... its only a play...

Narrator: Would you two kindly SHUT UP and let Edward say his line!

Winry+Huff+ Your the meanest narrator i've ever met...

Ed: Winry, hes the ONLY narrator you've ever met...

Winry: Your point?

Narrator: Edward, SAY YOUR LINE.

Ed: Fine already+He assumes a mocking pose+ Oh mother, why! Why must we sell this dear, sweet old cow...

Envy: Yah, if you're so hungry, why dont you eat it+Snicker+

Narrator: QUIET IN THE PEANUT GALLERY ALREADY.

Envy: Whatever.

Narraator: ED, SELL THE DAMN COW.

Al: WAH! NII-SAN! YOU WOULDN'T!

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Ed+Is "walking" Al across the set+

Al: MOOOOOOOOO +SOB+

Narrator: Young Jack had almost reached the marketplace by now, than, suddenly, he met up with a man.

Ed+Looks around+ What man?

Narrator: That one... wait... where is he!

Armstrong: Oh, so sorry! Was that my cue?

He steps on stage, and everyone stares.+

Armstrong: Let me make it up to you by showing you all my FABULOUS muscles...

Narrator: Y-You know... that really isnt necasary... just say your line please...

Armstrong: Yes, and thats all I have in this play! One line... how tragic! At least let me make up for my lack of time on stage by...

Narrator: SAY THE LINE PLEASE.

Armstrong: If that is what you wish... Young sir! I wish to buy this cow from you for a very reasonable bargain!

Ed: And what might that be?

Armstrong+Does a pose, ripping his shirt.+

Ed+Groan+

Armstrong: Your cow... +Insert purple sparklies here+ For three magic beans!

Ed: EH? Thats how this story goes? What sad idiot would trade a cow, much less Al, for 3 beans? And how the heck are they magic?

Narrator: You. Now give the man the cow.

Al: WAH, NII-SAN!

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Narrator: Later that evening... as Jack returned home...

Winry: WHH-AAT? 3 BEANS? THATS ALL YOU GOT?

Ed:... No... _magic _beans.

Winry+Fume+ What kinda screwed up fairytale is this... +Looks out at the audience+ I-I mean... that's not right! They're not even worth eating+She stomps away, flinging the beans out the window+

Ed: ... You dont expect me to find those, right?

Narrator: And so, the family went to sleep that night... Jack dissapointed at his own stupidity.

Ed: What was that?

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Winry: Jack! Wake up and go weed the garden!

Ed+Sound asleep under the covers, snoring loudly+

Narrator: And so, young Jack crawled out of bed to go weed the garden for his loving, caring, sweet, pretty...

Ed+Popped his head from under the covers+

Ed: Winry's paying you extra, isn't she?

Narrator: That is for me to know, and well, for me to know. Now, please go weed the garden Jack..

Ed+Got out from the bed, grumbling loudly as he slipped shoes on and headed out the door. As soon as he got outside he got a prop hoe and started "weeding"+

Narrator: And that's when Jack noticed the giant beanstalk growing from the ground beside him...

Ed+Looks around+ What beanstalk?

Narrator: Right... O.K., WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF PROPS?

Ed: Al was... but you made me sell him to Armstrong...

Narrator: INTERMISSION.

Envy: Figures... well than, who's up for hotdogs?

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Narrator: Now than...

Al: Wah! Nii-san! My nose itches!

Ed: Hey... just be glad you aren't a toaster... and wait, how can your nose itch!

Al: When you said they had found me anther part in the play, I didn't know you meant a tree!

Ed: You not a tree Al... your a beanstalk...

Narrator: And last time I checked, beanstalks didn't talk. QUITE ON THE SET. Now than... as Jack was weeding, he noticed a huge beanstalk next to him in the garden...

Al: Wah! Nii-san! The mean voice is making fun of my size!

Narrator: PLANTS DON'T TALK, NOW SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY.

Al+SOB+

Narrator: So than, Jack began to climb the beanstalk...

Ed: That's a joke... right?

Narrator: Narrators don't joke. Now climb the beanstalk like a good boy and say your line.

Ed+Huff+ Fine already... +Climbs skillfully to the top of Al's armor+ Oh, maybe i'll find treasure at the top of this amazing beanstalk. I will climb it. Happy now?

Narrator: Your overflowing entusiasm was noted.

Ed: GOOD.

Narrator: Intermission for a change of set please!

Envy: Eh, good riddance... I needed another hotdog anyway...

Wrath: I wanna hotdog too!

Envy+Smiles+ Ok kid... your paying for it.

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Narrator: Jack was now at the top of the beanstalk... it had been a long climb, and he was tired.

Ed: Sure... ok... +Fakes a pant+

Narrator: Thank you Jack... now... as he reached the top, he noticed a giant fortress...

Ed: Im assuming you mean that hunk of cardboard over there with a flag stucking out of it.

Narrator: We were short on budget. That's why we have you.

Envy+Giggle+

Ed+Glares at Envy+

Narrator: Jack looked at the castle, and assumed that's where the treasure, is there was any, was being held. He did not know what beats may lay inside, but he knew he must help his family, so even if there was a small chance of reward, he knew he must go forth.

Envy: Go forth... who says that anymore?

Ed+Sigh+ If I must... onward to the cardboard castle+Started walking towards the "castle"+

Lust: Cardboard castle... that has a nice ring to it...

Envy+Glances at Lust+ You should stay away from sharpies.

Wrath: Why? Sharpies are fun! Pretty colors!

Envy: Why do I even try? Oh well, you can't beat 'em, join them+Starts playing with sharpies+

Narrator: In case you didn't read the notice stuck to the front of the building... we are not responsible for any boredom, insanity, or injury caused during this play...

Ed: You seem to have that pretty well memorized.

Narrator: That's besides the point.

Ed+Stops at the "castle"+ Well, i'm here, now what?

Narrator: Did you READ the script?

Ed: I thought you were going to tell me what to do.

Narrator: Why do I even try... alright than... as Jack reached the castle, he heard a strange booming coming from inside ... and decided to investigate it.

Ed: Go towards the loud booming? Oh come on! Who's that stupid?

Narrator: We've had this talk before. You are. Now GO.

Ed: Fine, fine. +Starts moving towards the booming+

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Ed+Walks and looks around+

Roy: FEE FI FO FUUUUMMM.

Ed: This is all a sick joke... right? Please tell me this is a sick joke.

Roy: Nope... by the way, I need that paperwork.

Ed: Yah, yah.

Roy: Now than... narrator, if you would please.

Narrator: Thank you... than, as the giant stood above a trembling Jack...

Ed: Eh? The only thing scary about this guy is his choice of hairstyles.

Narrator: TREMBLE. Now than... as Jack looked up at the giant... fear in his eyes... he suddenly stood up, and said...

Ed: I want your treasure!

Roy: That so... well, you know what?

Ed: What?

Roy: You ain't gettin' it. +Pushes Ed into the giant bird cae behind him, and locks the door+ Muhahaha!

Ed: Is this really part of the scene! What nut job WROTE this play!

Roy: I don't know... but i'm begining to like this. And what do ya know... you fit perfectly in that cage...

Ed: What was that?

A "bird" walks across the floor, than sits down and barks+

Ed: You kidding... you dressed Black Hayate like a bird? Exactly how short on budget WERE you guys!

Narrator: That is the Goose Who Lays the Golden Eggs.

Ed: No... that's a dog who I assure you lays a lot of things... but not eggs.

Narrator: Roy, kindly say your line.

Roy+Gets a evil gleam in his eyes+ I will grind your bones to make my bread!

Narrator: That isn't in the script... and this can't end well. I need a new job.

Ed: What?

Roy+Grins evily+ But everyone knows your bones are so small they wouldn't make more than a pancake... if even that much...

Ed: WHO YOU CALLING SO SHORT THEY COULDN'T DRINK OUT OF THE TOILET EVEN IF THEY WANTED TOO+Claps his hands together+

Narrator: EDWARD! No alchemy! It's in your contract!

Ed: DAMN THE CONTRACT+Places his hands on the ground, and a blue stream heads toward Mustang. Ed grins. There we go... Walks out of the cage and picks up a toaster where Roy had ben standing+

Narrator: WHAT DID YOU DO?

Ed: You said it yourself, you can't be responsible for any insanity, boredom, or injury caused during this production... so why do you care?

Narrator: I really don't know.. but that's completely besides the point! Wait... Glances at the toaster What happened to, "No human transmutations?"

Ed+He shrugge+ Dunno. Fluke I guess... works for me though. +He walks off the stage, handing the toaster to Al as he gets off stage+ There you go.

Al+Looks down at the toaster, confused+

Ed: Its' name is Winry.

Al: OH! THANK YOU, NII-SAN+Runs out the back exit with the toaster+

Winry+Walks up to Ed and hits him squarely in the head+ Of all the things to name after me... pets...parks... monuments... YOU PICK A TOASTER+She walks out the back exit with a huff+

Narrator: And this has been a production of...

Envy: Complete and total crap?

Narrator: ... Jack and the beanstalk. Good night.

Wrath: So when does the good part start?

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(Risa-Chan) +Bow+ Hope you enjoyed!


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